For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Allister. Andrew’s older, wiser and better looking big brother. WHEN PREPARING THIS SPEECH A WISE OLD MAN OFFERED THE FOLLOWING ADVICE…. THE SPEECH SHOULD ONLY LAST AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR THE GROOM TO MAKE LOVE. SO ONCE AGAIN.. YOU’VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE ; THANK YOU LADIES & GENTLEMEN…..
IF ONLY I WAS JOKING…………
SO DOWN TO BUSINESS…’COS AS THE MAN AT THE SUIT HIRE SHOP SAID SAID..”THERE’S A LOT TO FIT IN”
On behalf of Tracy, The Bridesmaid, I’d like to thank ANDREW for his kind words. I have to agree that she looks absolutely wonderful, and has done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Sharon ready and to the church on time. From what I hear she put up quite a fight.
SHARON: obviously goes without saying you look fantastic……. Thanks for coming!
YOU HAVE MARRIED A GREAT BLOKE IN ANDREW. SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE NOT TO HAVE HIM AS A BROTHER…
SOMETIMES THE SMILE LASTS FOR HOURS.
My main duty today is to give you all an introduction to the groom, relating tales about his crazy adventures as a young man, his run-ins with the police, the marathon sessions in the pub and his string of meaningless flings. I should then introduce the benevolent influence of the bride on our young hero, as she struggled to tame a man with an approach to life that combined ape-like urges with gay abandon. Of course, I can’t cover everything, so I’m just going to concentrate on the gay abandon.
I can see Andrews starting to sweat now. But don’t worry the secrets of your sauded past are safe with me. Just remember our deal. I get 50% of the money you make selling the unwanted wedding gifts on ebay.
I have to say that I find it hard to stand up here and make a fool out of my little brother on his wedding day. Something that Andrew is more than capable of achieving on his own. (as his speech proved, and as his dancing will no doubt confirm). But seriously it is an honor to be chosen to be Andrew’s best man, after all he had so many close friends to choose from. It’s just a shame that they were both busy today. Still as they say (if you’ll forgive the cliche) Blood is thicker than water. Andrew, of course, is thicker than both.
According to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM’S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I CAN’T SING, and I WON’T LIE.
Those of you that know Andrew will be well aware of his obsession with football. Andrew is one of the dying breed of hardcore supporters that sticks by their team through thick and thin, good times and bad. Personally I know nothing about football, other than what I’ve picked from Andrew and his years of devotion to Chelsea football club. Of course they weren’t always known as Chelsea FC a few years ago they changed their name from Blackburn Rovers and before that they used to be known as Liverpool FC. But despite all the name changes they have always been at the top of the league.
Andrew, In many ways married Life Can Be Compared To Football … so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Change ends at half time and dont put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.
Just remember That Playing Away From Home, Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury.
Andrew doesn’t play very much football these days, he prefers to stay in and watch the games on the telly. He’ll watch anything. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t for Emmerdale, he wouldn’t get any fresh air at all.
I’d just like to say, Andrew, you are a lucky groom - you’ve married Sharon, she’s a lovely person, and she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one.
I knew Sharon was right for Andrew the moment I first met her, as she seemed at ease with his crude sense of humour, poor dress sense and uncontrolable flatulence.
But seriously, Sharon, I think you’ve made a wonderful choice for your first husband.
They’ve now been together for a long time, and I can’t think of a single couple more perfect for each other. She brings out the good side in him, which takes a lot of effort, in fact I’d say she’s made him a better person since they’ve been together. Sharon, I’d like to thank you on behalf of humanity for that..
Andrew, despite all the abuse I’ve just dealt you. You really are a fantastic person with a heart of gold. I’m lucky to have you as a brother.
So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it’s about finding someone you can’t live without.
ladies and Gentlemen: The Bride and Groom.